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                          雅思寫作 | 怎么快速寫好一篇雅思作文?

                          2022年05月26日18:47 來源:小站整理
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                          摘要:本文作者主體段中對于休產假的利與弊分別進行了討論,符合真題的要求,但是我們可以觀察到,開頭段中的觀點句“It’s beneficial to women and the company in the long run.”以及結尾段中的觀點句“Allowing the maternity leave for the first month is conducive to individuals and companies, even for the whole society.”都只提到了自己更支持的那邊的信息,完全沒有提到較不支持,但是也在文章中討論過的缺點。

                          眾所周知,練習實踐加批改糾錯是找到寫作問題,快速提升分數的最有效方法之一了。

                           

                          所以今天塔塔老師會給大家分享近期批改的一篇典型5.5分學生作文,透過這篇文章,來解析考生中普遍存在的邏輯以及詞匯表達問題。

                           

                          首先,我們先花1分鐘時間看一下題目:

                          In many countries women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first month after the birth of their baby. Do advantages outweigh disadvantages?

                          在分析學生作文之前,對于小白同學來說,老師先給出一些注意事項。

                           

                          題型方面,本文屬于“利弊分析”,因此在構段時需要注意,結構必須采用雙邊討論的寫法,也就是利與弊都必須下一個錯別字討論到才行。

                           

                          話題方面,本文屬于社會類話題,討論的是“女性生完小孩后的第一個月被允許休產假”的利與弊。

                           

                          接下去我們一起來看一下學生的這篇作文:

                          It's a basic right for women to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first month after giving birth to a baby. It’s beneficial to women and the company in the long run.

                           

                          Women are exhausted both physically and mentally after delivery especially for the first month. Therefore, a series of recovery is definitely needed to maintain normal states of health. A healthy body lays the foundation for women to return to work in a good condition which is vital for the efficiency after the break.

                           

                          Besides, the policy of providing a month of maternity contributes to new mothers who haven't experience of having a baby yet. This break gives them a chance to get used to the life as a role of infant caregivers. So they know how to balance the work and the baby in the future and make appropriate daily plannings for the job.

                           

                          Although the absence would certainly brings some inconvenience for the company, we can solve the problem by handing over the work of the break month to other colleagues in advance to keep the overall efficiency of the company. By this means,not only can the company set up a positive image,but also retain the workforce. For some companies, it may be possible to simply ask a new person to take her place during maternity leave. This actually requires a more complicated handover process, because the person will likely have to learn the project from the beginning, which is a waste of labor and time.

                           

                          All in all, allowing the maternity leave for the first month is conducive to individuals and companies,even for the whole society.

                           

                          讀完感覺如何?知道老師為什么給它打5.5分嘛?

                           

                          本文的扣分點主要在邏輯以及詞匯兩個方面,邏輯方面的問題出在兩個方面:

                           

                          一、開頭段以及結尾段的觀點表達與主體段的內容不匹配

                           

                          本文作者主體段中對于休產假的利與弊分別進行了討論,符合題目的要求,但是我們可以觀察到,開頭段中的觀點句“It’s beneficial to women and the company in the long run.”以及結尾段中的觀點句“Allowing the maternity leave for the first month is conducive to individuals and companies, even for the whole society.”都只提到了自己更支持的那邊的信息,完全沒有提到較不支持,但是也在文章中討論過的缺點。

                           

                          這樣一來,本文的開頭和結尾闡述的觀點,就與主體段的內容不一致了。這里,我們可以使用“Despite the trouble caused by the leave, it’s beneficial to women the company in the long run.”的讓步句型替換。大家平時寫大作文也需要避免雙邊討論的文章中觀點表述得過于單方面的錯誤習慣。

                           

                          二、論點和論證順序不符合閱讀習慣

                           

                          大家會發現,本文作者在寫主體段時,會習慣性地先提出原因細節,再得出結論,這一點在寫作考試中是非常讀者不友好的。

                           

                          為了使段落重點更清晰易讀,老師建議大家,把自己的每個分論點(也就是結論性質的語句)放在段落或是這一個分論點寫作的最前面,而后再展開論證。

                           

                          如原文的主體段可以修改為:

                          A healthy body lays the foundation for women to return to work in a good condition, which is vital for the efficiency after the break. Women are exhausted both physically and mentally after delivery especially for the first month. Therefore, a series of recovery is definitely needed to maintain normal states of health.

                           

                          改完之后是不是清晰多了?

                           

                          詞匯方面,除了少數類似will likely to的搭配錯誤以外,這篇作文中重復多次暴露出了一個詞匯規范問題:縮寫,也就是“it is”寫成了“it’s”。

                           

                           

                          同學們寫作文時要注意了,這種縮寫方式都不能使用的,正式的書面語中不會采用這種寫法,還是規規矩矩地分開一個單詞一個單詞寫吧。

                           

                          類似的例子還會有:don’t(do not),can’t(cannot)等。

                           

                          希望有類似錯誤的同學在看了剛剛的批改后也能把錯誤的寫法修改過來,避免重復出錯,高效提升寫作得分!

                           

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